So, the past few months have been stressful. So stressful that a 60″ LED television died an untimely death. I may or may not get to the details of that later.

Losing a salary sucks, and losing it unexpectedly sucks even worse. But I’m incredibly lucky because I don’t actually have to go back to work. If I don’t, that means I become a stay-at-home-mother, which is a much more difficult job I can assure you. But still, I don’t actually need to go work in the traditional sense.

I really have no idea how to move forward and it’s causing me so much anguish. I have a big picture plan in mind, one that I think makes sense for me and my family and my emotional well-being, but I have no idea what to do in the interim. And I’m so damaged by my professional past, any step forward right now makes me spiral into a fit of anxiety.

On the plus side, with the holidays in full swing, I am more aware than ever of what’s important in life. And I can say without a trace of sarcasm that all I want for Christmas is five lazy days with my husband and daughter.

(Ok. The television. Stress in life makes for more stress in marriage, right fellow married folks? The stress increased and increased and I reached my limit. I threw my phone on the floor… and it bounced up, hit the screen of my tv and broke it. That is the honest-to-God-truth. My phone BOUNCED OFF OF THE FLOOR AND HIT THE TELEVISION SCREEN. Bounced. Fucking bounced. Only me, I swear.)

Turns out I haven’t written in here for a long time.

I’m trying to keep my distance from computers these days. I’ll do the things I need to do, or occasionally the things I want to do, like edit photos or read every single article on Daily Mail. But otherwise, I try to keep myself busy offline.

It’s kind of nice, actually. It’s liberating to not be tethered to a machine for the bulk of my waking hours.

But I’ve had a tough couple of weeks lately. There’s nothing in particular that’s bothering me, but rather an avalanche of little things.

Surprise divorces. My mom and dad’s marital strife. My own marital strife. Feelings of betrayal and confusion and worthlessness.  You know… typical stuff.

And as much as I love Christmastime, it’s also hard to be away from my family this time of year. I moved away from Pittsburgh a lifetime ago, so you’d think it would be easier at some point, but it’s not. In a way, it’s even harder now that I have Charlotte. I want her to know my family the way I knew my parents’ families. But she won’t.

We spent Thanksgiving in Connecticut with Jason and his crew, and we had the best time. A snowstorm prevented my parents from making the trip, and in a way that made things nicer. There’s a ton of tension where my mother’s concerned, but that’s another blog post for another day.

We ate turkey on the couch in our sweats while watching football. There was a ton of laughter, toddler squeals and alcohol.

I cried like a baby when I left. I told Logan that even though I wouldn’t see him again until the summer, I would be thinking of him and loving him from a distance.

I hate that.

I hate loving my family from a distance.