This morning, I sat on the floor with Charlotte in my lap, putting her shoes on before she and Allan left for the day.

She stood up and I asked if I could kiss her goodbye. She blew me a kiss as she walked toward the door.

Then she came back to me, bent down, and kissed me on my lips.

I had to hold back tears. It was one of the sweetest moments of my life.

And those sweet moments are what I knew nothing about when I was terrified and pregnant.

I also thought I was going to lose Allan when we became parents, but I didn’t. Instead, I got to watch him grow as a man and as a father, and got more of him to love. We’re such a team now in ways we weren’t before.

Last night we commiserated about Charlotte’s new phase – she screams when she’s displeased about something. Screams and squawks and it’s awful. But it’s just a phase, one with an ending (I hope). So last night, Allan and I laid in bed laughing because she sounds like some sort of deranged dinosaur. The annoyance at her screams brought us together, made us stronger in a weird way.

Just so you don’t think we’re awful parents, we also often lay in bed and marvel about her sweet face and intelligence.

(But we laugh at her a lot, too.)

 


Happy birthday to me.

When I look at the big picture – a happy, healthy marriage, a spectacular kid, good health – life couldn’t be any better.

But when I look at the details, it starts to look a little rough.

I’m, once again, without a job and I’m listless about everything, but especially my “career.” I use quotations because there is no career of which to speak.

I’m not entirely sure what happened with my last job, and I suspect I’ll never know the full story. What they’re telling me doesn’t add up. Regardless, though, I’m not there anymore and I’m still terribly sad about it. I would have stayed there forever if I could have because I liked the company and my coworkers THAT MUCH. The pay was crap, but everything else – at least in my mind – made up for it.

But the reality is, if we have another kid and then have two of them in daycare, I’d be clearing maybe $300 a month when all was said and done. At which point, Allan would have preferred that I stay home for a few years. It would have been the best thing for my family.

Staying home is still an option. Going back to work is an option. Going back to school to get out of this death spiral of a “career” is a possibility.

I feel like I’m at a fork in the road and it has 15 tongs, none of which are ideal. And remember how I said it was my birthday? I’m old now. So I’m running out of time to make major changes.

I haven’t written in here since July because work and home were both SO BUSY. An upside to all of this is that for the past three weeks, I’ve been able to breathe. I’ve organized closets, I’ve vacuumed, I’ve selected paint samples and made dinners. I’m writing.

So, we’ll see what happens. At some point my life will go in some sort of direction, and in the meantime, I’ll try to enjoy the journey.