I had a really good morning.

Charlotte woke-up earlier than usual – at 4am, ugh – but when I went in there, she was happily spitting away.  Spitting?  Yes, spitting.

It’s so stinking cute.

(don’t worry – it takes her 10 minutes to eat, then everyone goes back to sleep)

Then I got lots of affection from Allan.  Smooches and long hugs.  He’s not normally so sweet in the morning… or ever.

Then I stopped at Starbucks.  I was running early, so rather than stop on traditional Starbucks Friday, I did it today.  The guy at the window gave me a high-five.  His coworker said, “Did you just give that customer a high-five?”  Yes, because I am awesome.  “If she’s cool enough for a high-five, we should dance for her!”

So two Starbucks employees proceeded to do the robot dance for me in the drive-thru window.

A spitting baby.  An affectionate husband.  Dancing baristas.  Does it get any better before 9am?


I had a root canal today.  My third in two years.

There are a thousand other things I’d rather do with my money, but the procedure itself isn’t bad.  Truly.

Part of the reason it’s not bad for me is because of Maria, the dental assistant.  Or endodontist assistant.  Whatever she’s called, regardless of what she’s called, she’s spectacular.  She makes me feel safe and comfortable.

Her daughter miscarried two years ago and hasn’t been able to get pregnant again.

When she told me, I nearly cried.  Honest-to-goodness nearly cried.

I wouldn’t have been that empathetic BC.  BC = Before Charlotte.

BC I would have been sorry for Maria and sorry for her daughter, but there would be no tears in my eyes.

I thought I lost Charlotte.  Did I ever tell you that?  I thought I lost her.  It was about a week after I learned I was pregnant.  There was a lot of bleeding.  It was after hours, so all I could do was speak to my doctor on the phone.  I told her what was happening and she, too, thought I lost my baby.

I couldn’t stop crying.  Allan was devastated.  He was trying to comfort me, but he was in no shape to do so.

I was crying because I let Allan down.  He wanted a baby for so long, and he wanted a baby with me for so long, and I let him down.

More importantly, I let that baby down.  I couldn’t give that baby life.  I couldn’t protect it.

The next morning Allan and I went to my doctor’s office for an emergency ultrasound.  It was literally the earliest an ultrasound could be performed.  Six weeks.  There was nothing in my uterus.  It was black.  Absolutely no signs of life.

But when that ultrasound technician turned the volume on, we heard a heartbeat.  A very loud, strong heartbeat.

Allan cried.  I gasped.

The baby trumps all, said the doctor.

I bled for weeks straight.  I had a particularly bad episode at 11 weeks that required another emergency ultrasound.

But the baby trumped all.  And the baby turns four months old on Friday.

I am so grateful for Charlotte.  There are literally no words to describe how grateful I am for that baby.  Hearing stories like Maria’s make me acutely aware of how incredibly lucky I am.

 



Ok, the picture thing.  The millions of pictures of Charlotte thing.

I CANNOT HELP MYSELF.

I CANNOT CONTROL MYSELF.

I MUST BE STOPPED.

I don’t want to be that mom (holy shit, I’m a mom) that shoves her baby down your throat.  I don’t want to be annoying and clog your feeds with photos of her almond eyes and fuzzy head.

It’s just that I can’t help it.  Really, I can’t.  I’ve never been an alcoholic or a drug addict or even smoked a single cigarette, but I imagine that’s what it’s like – this uncontrollable urge to do something.  And that something is posting photos of my baby.

My baby smiling.
My baby in blue.
My baby crying.
My baby in pants.

MY BABY IN PANTS!

Have you seen babies in pants?  I had no idea!

Here’s what I think it is.  When you find something good, you want to share it with people.  If I had a tasty dinner somewhere, I’d recommend the restaurant.  I sing the praises of my dentist because she’s so nice.  I talk about good books I’ve read and ask other people what they’ve enjoyed.  I think it’s a common thread that runs through human-kind: we want to share things we like.

And I like her so much.  So when I post pictures, I want to say, LOOK AT THIS THING I LIKE!  Look at her grin!  Look at her drool!  Look at her hold a toy!  LOOK AT HER!

I want you to look at her because, somewhere deep inside of me, I think that because I like her, you’ll like her, too.  She brings me joy, so she’ll bring you joy, too.  I want to share these sweet moments because I think you’ll think they’re worth sharing, too.

But you probably don’t.

And while I don’t want to be annoying, over-exposure mama, I’m also not going to try too hard to censor myself.  I’m going to keep posting pictures of what makes me happy, and Charlotte makes me happy.

Especially when she’s wearing pants.