It’s two weeks later and my manicure still looks fantastic. Yay Shellac!

Only one problem: my nails are very long. Very, very long. And I don’t like long fingernails. When they hit the keys on my keyboard, it’s the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. The feeling makes me squeamish. So I think I’m going to have to file them down, which may destroy the prettiness of the manicure. It’s a chance I have to take.

So, here I sit on my couch where I’ve been doing html since about 9:00 this morning. I’m telecommuting, thus the couch. I’m covering for a vacationing coworker, thus the html.

I’m really not a fan of the stuff, but I’m the only other person in my office with a working knowledge of it, so I’m the backup intrawebber. And I know how to use a Nikon, so I’m a backup photographer.

It’s amazing how far you can get when you know the fundamentals of a few things. I totally dig the photography stuff. The html stuff, not so much.

But I’m happy to have a job, so I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining. I’m even happier to have a job that I enjoy and coworkers I adore, so I really don’t want to seem like I’m complaining.

What are you doing this weekend, Internet?

I’m doing a whole lot of nothing with an off-Broadway show and a picnic sprinkled in.

Allan surprised me with tickets to Wicked (I also hopes he surprises me with a cocoanut cupcake when he gets home!), which I’m super excited to see. It’s been in Durham for a few weeks and I didn’t think we’d go – I didn’t think he was interested, so I only mentioned it in passing – but when I got home from all my crazy travels, he handed me a FedEx package with two tickets inside.

I just hope I can see the stage. We don’t have crappy tickets… I have crappy eyes.

On Tuesday morning I have my 80 billionth eye doctor appointment where I’m sure I’ll hear that I’m over-focusing. Again. And if I do – when I do – I’ve decided to get a second opinion.

Here’s what I think happened and should happen: I think my vision regressed quickly after surgery. It’s rare, but it happens. I think they should give me an Rx for contacts and glasses (which would, you know, allow me to see things clearly for the first time in six months) and tell me to come back for a revision after my braces are off/am done having babies.

I’m tired of dealing with it. I really, really am.

Oh, and I have to say, the picture in my last entry – the one about my wavy hair? I look like I’m trying to do some sort of come-hither pose. And I’m not. I’m trying to show that my hair is naturally wavy. And it doesn’t even look all that wavy in the picture. So I basically look like a tool.

I have wavy hair. And my whole life I’ve blow-dried it and then styled it with another heated tool to get rid of the frizz created by blow-drying it straight.

Basically it starts off wavy, then gets straight and frizzy, then gets curled and smoothed.

It’s very time-consuming. Which is why sometimes I’ll quit halfway through the process and come to work with hair that was only blow-dried and thus frizzy. And I’ll see myself in the mirror and wonder why I didn’t just put forth the extra effort to style it further.

But who has time for that?

So, I recently started washing my hair in the morning, drying it about half-way, then letting it air-dry the rest of the way. When I do this, the wave stays but the frizz goes away. It’s pretty awesome.

In other girlie news, I got a manicure and pedicure last Friday. My boss saw me in full-on yawn mode – I was leaning back in my chair, arms up in the air, mouth WIDE OPEN. And he told me to go home early. He said with all of my traveling, I had put in enough hours and to have a nice afternoon. I had no idea what to do with my time, but I looked down and saw my dry (and, ok, bloody) cuticles and headed to the nail salon.

A company recently came out with the most ah-may-zing fingernail product ever: shellac. It’s like a gel polish, so you get the gel perks without the negatives: the color stays on for two weeks and your nails are strong and shiny… but when the polish is removed (in minutes!), your nails are still healthy! And it’s better than a regular manicure because about 30 seconds (seriously) after your nails are painted, they’re perfectly dry and you’re ready to go.

I love the stuff.

I rarely get manicures as is, but I especially hated paying when, two days later, my nails would be chipped and look like crap. Now I pay $5 more and my nails look great for two weeks or more.

Like I said: ah-may-zing.

I have a Godiva rewards card, which means once a month I walk into a Godiva store, whip out my card and get a free piece of chocolate.


And it’s a piece of chocolate of my choice – it’s not like they hand me something from the bargain bin.

Every month I select a double chocolate raspberry truffle, which is amazing. I’m obsessed with the raspberry filling, so much so that I actually peel the dark chocolate layer off of the outside, leaving only the raspberry puree goodness on the inside. I then scoop it out and eat it all by itself. Like, the filling is so perfect, I don’t want it tainted with any other flavor. I only want the raspberry.

It’s ridiculous.

I’m ridiculous.

I’m also pretty unhappy right now.

Allan and I are on vastly different pages regarding the house situation. He has nearly backed-off of the idea completely (for a few months at least) while I want to keep pushing forward. The conflict it’s causing in my marriage is as intense as it’s ever been. We’re not in a great place as a couple.

This is no mountain to overcome – it’s a hill – but we haven’t ever really dealt with that before. We’ve been through two lay-offs together, which is much more serious an issue, but we were on the same page then. He went into support mode and I went into find-a-new-job mode. We were on the same team. Anytime anything bad or crappy or mildly annoying has happened, we’ve gotten through it together.

This time, we’re on opposing teams.

Or we’re on the same team, but we’re scrimmaging against each other.

And this is all natural and normal. It’s something couples go through. No one has a marriage without getting some bumps and bruises along the way. It will be a footnote in the history book of our marriage. Nothing more. But right now it sucks.

I believe in gay marriage, and I believe in using humor to make a point. I didn’t write this, but wish I did.

Here’s the deal. I’ve achieved international fame by famously and internationally discussing the irrelevant issues of the day that others are too afraid, or unaware of, to address. But occasionally a topic is so prevalent in the nation’s discourse that I must weigh in.

Marriage is a sacred institution. A sacred institution that can only be entered into by a man and a woman who are dedicated to spending the rest of their lives together. Or a man and a woman who are somewhat attracted to each other and figure, what the heck. Or a man and a woman who got drunk and wandered into the Best Little Wedding Chapel in Vegas. But it is not, not, to be entered into by a man and a man or a woman and a woman.

As my favorite marriage-defending group, the National Organization for Marriage, points out, “Gays and lesbians have a right to live as they choose, they don’t have the right to redefine marriage for all of us.” Sure, marriage used to be a primarily economic arrangement and we’re now redefining it…but, like we said, homosexuals don’t have the right to redefine marriage, only straight people have that right (wow, it seems like there are a lot of rights that only heterosexuals have…lucky us).

NOM goes on to make another enlightened and excellent point, “Do we want to teach the next generation that one-half of humanity—either mothers or fathers—are dispensable, unimportant? Children are confused enough right now with sexual messages. Let’s not confuse them further.” That’s exactly right. Unfortunately, our children are very stupid and are easily confused. “One child…TWO moms?!? Whaaat?!?” You should see us try and explain divorce to our slow-witted offspring. “One family…two parents…in different places?!? Whaaat?!?” Or when we try to teach them about Twix, “One candy bar…two crispy, crunchy cookies, smooth creamy chocolate, and delicious chewy caramel?!? Whaaat?!?”

And homosexuals simply aren’t committed to the idea of marriage. Sure, they’ve been organizing and fighting for this basic human right for decades. But when we straight people get married…we stick with it nearly half the time! Now that’s commitment.

There are so many foolproof arguments for why homosexuals should not be allowed to be happy. As has been pointed out by many level-headed, thoughtful conservatives, we must honor the historical tradition of marriage as being a covenant between a man and a woman. For those of you who point out that same sex marriages are documented as early as Ancient Rome, I simply reply, “We’re talking, of course, about the history of marriage that doesn’t conflict with our very limited world view, thank you very much.”

And how can you discard the fact that the Bible explicitly states that being gay is a serious no-no? Everyone knows that if it appears in the Bible it must be true. That’s why Numbers 22:28, in which a talking donkey asks his master why he’s hitting him, proved to me that Shrek is non-fiction and Mr. Ed is a prophet.

I, for one, agree with legislators who have stated that gay marriage is “contaminating,” “abominable,” and “if allowed would pollute America.” Never mind the fact that these quotes are actually from great legal minds of the 1960’s. And that they are referring to the radical notion of members of opposite races getting married. People were convinced that allowing the races to intermingle would destroy the institution of marriage. And they were right. It did. It ruined it. And now the gays will double ruin it. And some of these gay people are probably from different races. That will triple ruin marriage!

I don’t know why they ever allowed different ethnicities to marry. Or why Asians are allowed to marry at all. And I’m sure that everyone who is against gay marriage agrees with me. After all, they’re the same arguments we made last time. And they make just as much sense.

Come on, the whole point of getting married is to have children. And, as open-minded, political failure Rick Santorum famously pointed out, a child is better off with a father in prison than they would be growing up with two mommies and no father at all. While I agree with everything Santorum has ever said, I’ll take it a step further…I firmly believe that a child would be better off if they themselves were raised in prison than if they were raised by two lawless gays.

Think about it. Who makes a better parent? A loving same sex couple who chooses parenthood and works hard to make it happen? Or two irresponsible teens who were too embarrassed to buy condoms? Sure, nearly half of all heterosexual pregnancies are unplanned, and zero percent of gay families are unplanned, but so what? If there’s one thing that every child needs more than caring, dedicated parents, it’s to have both types of genitals represented in the household.

And just imagine what would happen if we allowed gay people to get married. As nurturing, unprejudiced pundit Bill O’Reilly and others have pointed out…it’s a slippery slope. If we allow men to marry men and women to marry women, what’s next? O’Reilly and company worry that this will lead to people marrying turtles, dogs, ducks, dolphins and other animals. And what rational human being wouldn’t come to this conclusion? Remember when we decided that African Americans had the right to attend the same school as honkies? And the next thing you know, everybody was demanding that dogs and turtles be allowed to attend those very same schools?

And this interspecies marriage just raises so many more questions. Is it possible to marry a duck and not invite the Aflac mascot to the ceremony? And we all know that Daffy and Donald don’t get along…the seating would be a nightmare. What kind of gifts do you bring to a human/dolphin wedding…flatware or raw fish? And why are Bill O’Reilly and his buddies always thinking about bestiality?

Clearly, marriage is only meant for straight people. And it’s my humble opinion that we should exercise this right as often as possible. While we all know that 0% of gay people should be allowed to marry even once, 27% of married straights are already on their second try. And record holder Linda Wolfe (who has been married 23 times), recently quipped, “It’s been years since I walked down the aisle. I miss it.” Homosexuals are fortunate, that’s a problem they don’t have. After all, you can’t miss what you never had. And it’s yet another reason that gay people shouldn’t be allowed to get married. They have no experience. They won’t be good at it. You can tell we heteros are accomplished marriers because we do it so often.

And I think future generations will prove me right. If there’s one historic consistency it’s that whenever a powerful majority limits or eliminates the rights of a minority…they’re always correct to do so.

I don’t know why these people chose to be gay in the first place. It is, of course, a choice. Just as being heterosexual is a choice. I’m sure we all remember that time in our lives when we sat down and weighed the pros and cons of both lifestyles. I know I remember when I chose to be straight. I was thirteen and we’d just gone over that lesson in Health Class where the teacher taught us about how to choose our sexuality. If I decided to go gay, I’d have a better fashion sense and could hang up one of those pretty rainbow flags. But if I decided to be straight, I wouldn’t be harassed and hated by bigots everywhere whose own insecurities and ignorance become my pain.

It seemed like a pretty easy decision. So, to the dismay of women everywhere, I chose to be straight. Which means I can someday get married. And then, some later day, get married again. And I can also decide which other people should and shouldn’t be allowed to get married. And I’ve decided that gay people should not be allowed to ruin my sacred institution with their love.

After all, marriage is about sharing a commitment. Marriage is about sharing your life with someone. Marriage is about sharing a mutual respect. And we’ll be damned if we’re going to share it with anyone.

Good job, Makya Mcbee.