Just before Thanksgiving, I went to Denver on business. Colorado is another one of Allan’s favorite places, and again, I wanted to share everything about my trip with him. In fact, when I checked into my cute little boutique hotel in the heart of the city, for the first time ever, I felt lonely. I was happily single. I loved getting to know myself and have complete autonomy, but when I checked into that hotel and had no one to call other than my parents to tell I landed safely, I was acutely aware of how alone I was. And how I wished it was Allan filling that void.
During some of my spare time, I found myself in a beautiful park full of homeless men, which I thought was a perfect excuse to call Allan. The cell phone would act as a shield against the requests for money and companionship. Thankfully Allan answered and I deliberately walked more laps than necessary around that park to have a reason to stay on the phone. Because of the way he made excuses to extend the conversation, and because of how happy he sounded to hear from me, I was starting to wonder if Allan’s crush had maybe returned.
When I got home, I had lunch with my ex, Shel, my Webmaster Extraordinaire, and broached the idea of dating Allan. He and Allan used to be very good friends, and he and I are still good friends, so I wanted to at least make him aware of the fact that it was something I was thinking about. I didn’t want it to come out of the blue. My ex has no residual feelings for me, nor I for him, but I still felt like it was a conversation that should happen. My friendship with my ex is one that I treasure. It means a lot to me. It’s something I’m proud of and feel lucky to have. And I wanted to make sure that he was comfortable with the idea, especially because our lives – of all three of us – were at one point so intertwined.
I think he was taken aback, but I also think he appreciated the head’s up although he thought I might be heading down this road.
Allan and I went to the same holiday party in early December and things were pretty awkward as he was there with his girlfriend. I knew she didn’t like me, so I tried to keep my distance from both of them. Allan and I only talked briefly and posed for a friendly picture together. (a picture that’s on a dresser in our bedroom) I could tell he wanted to spend more time with me – he was sort of lingering in my general vicinity and later, when I looked at pictures from the evening, he was captured on film looking in my direction – but we stayed apart.
A few nights later, maybe the next night, I got an email from Allan saying that his girlfriend didn’t want us talking at all anymore. No more emails, Facebook messages or IMs. I was very upset, but I also understood her position. Of course she didn’t want him talking to me. She was completely within her rights to demand it.
Allan asked if we could email once a week and I said no, that I thought putting us on a communication schedule felt false. I reminded him that he told me he would only be with someone at this point in his life if he believed it could lead to marriage, and they’d been together for well over a year, so that’s probably where it was heading. I didn’t want our friendship to get in the way of that.