I wasn’t going to write in here today, but it’s Gregory’s birthday, so I changed my mind.

Happy birthday, Gregory!! Lots and lots of love to you.

I rearranged my desk at work and it’s much better, but it’s taking some time to get used to. My predecessor left me this hideous fake orchid thing for my desk and it’s got ‘roots’ but they’re plastic and look like the tentacles of some mysterious animal that lives beneath the plastic soil. I think I’m going to throw it away or donate it to the break room or something. I think I’ve been reluctant to sort of make this space my own because we’re supposed to be moving soon, but we have neither a date nor destination for the move. Which is ironic considering we’re a commercial real estate company.

My car search is going relatively well. I think I’ve narrowed it down to one car in particular, but we shall see. It’s all a bit nerve-wracking. Shel’s having fun with it, doing all of the research and stuff. And my men (my dad, Jason and Gregory) are giving their input as well, but all of their opinions differ slightly and I’m like, “uhhhhhh…..” I’m really trying to be smart about everything because I want to actually want this car after five years.

I’m back on my Nalgene bottle kick. I think I’m trying to use water to balance out all the sugar I consume. I really eat a ridiculous amount of sugar. Just in the past hour I ate a container of Chewy Spree. They were really good, don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t need to eat them. So now I’m chugging water and making myself have to pee every 20 minutes. At least walking back and forth to the ladies room is some sort of exercise.

My ass hurts. Seriously. It does. I broke my tailbone while in college. I was running down snow-covered stairs (there was a layer of ice underneath), fell and the rest is history. The thing with tailbones, though, is that they never fully heal. Sucks for me.

Shel should be here soon, then off to the Jeep dealership we will go.

My hair is the color of chocolate. It’s kinda pretty. I wanted a change. Needed a change.

Ummmmm…. I dunno. The end. For today.

My fingernails are long. I haven’t filed them in nearly two weeks. They look pretty, but they’ll be gone soon. I can’t type with long fingernails. I can’t stand the way it feels when they touch the keys. I’m weird.

I’m going to make dinner soon, but I don’t know what I’m making. I’ve eaten out for the past million nights in a row. I’m thrilled to have friends and I’m even more thrilled that they’re rallying around me and feeding me and stuff, but I feel like I’ve gained 20lbs as a result. I need to exercise.

I have a meeting tomorrow at 7am. I have to be in the office at 6am to get everything set-up. There’s some dignitary from China coming into the office and I need to make the conference room look pretty, which is nearly impossible. We have an ugly conference room.

I’m going to test drive a car tomorrow. I’m excited and nervous. I’m not going to buy it tomorrow, but I want to have my ducks in a row in case it’s too expensive to fix the Crapfire’s a/c. I’m still leaning towards the RAV-4, but I’m going to drive a Jeep and we’ll see what happens. Ideally it’ll be cheap to fix my car, I’ll hold onto it for a year, dissolve my credit card debt, and get a new car next summer. I think Shel would be thrilled if I bought it tomorrow. It’s going to be a test of wills between Shel and me. Always is. Wouldn’t be normal if it wasn’t. I always win, though. I’m far more stubborn. That’s not necessarily a good thing.

I have to order new checks. Mine are almost gone. I’ve had them for four years. I don’t use them often.

I’m going to dye my hair back to brown. Well, that’s my intent. Who knows what color it’ll turn out to be. I have so much damn red in my hair that it impacts nearly every other color. Jason’s a redhead. Gregory and I have lots of red, but we’re brunettes.

Gregory is going to a surgeon tomorrow or Tuesday. He was training, felt a pop in his knee, and went down. They think he tore ligaments. He’s hoping he’s okay. Everyone else is praying that he tore every damn ligament in his knee and will be out of commission for a while. Isn’t that horrible? I’m literally praying that my brother has seriously injured himself so he can stay home.

I’m still not back to myself. I’m worried that I never will be. I was so naive. I thought everyone was good, did the right thing, was trustworthy. Seriously, I’m an idiot.

This is my blog, right? I’m supposed to be able to write whatever I want in here. So, here goes…

I would rather be dead right now than continue going through this. I’m not going to kill myself, don’t call the police. But I would rather not be alive. I’m trying to sort through everything in my head, trying to figure out why this is hurting me so much. I have two people calling me crazy. One whom I was very, very close to, and another I’ve never met. This is absolutely tearing me apart. I dunno. Maybe I’m this upset because I’ve never had anything so deliberately hurtful done to me. I am such an honest and geniunely caring person, and I cannot believe that I’ve been painted as a vindictive liar, and that someone who I called my friend is allowing to to happen. I mean, I get why he’s doing it. Just doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I’m being a bad friend tonight. I’m not helping Kristen and Erich. I’m too tired. I just kinda want to take a shower, crawl into bed and call it an early night.

My asthma has been acting crazy for the past three days. Usually I’m like, “Yeah, I have asthma. No worries.” but lately I’ve had the stereotypical symptoms. Tightness in the chest. Inability to take deep breaths. I figure it’s a combo of the changing temperatures and emotion. We’ve had wacky weather – 90 one day, 70 the next – and I’ve been quite emotional.

Why have I been emotional, you ask? Hm. I fell in love with a boy. Thought he was incredible. Too scared to tell the boy how I felt. He had a girlfriend, we became involved, I knew better. He got engaged. My conscience was very angry with me. I tried to make amends with the situation. I’ve been labled ‘psycho’. And I’m just not dealing with it very well. Somone said to me, “Keep crying. Eventually you run out of tears, and meanwhile every tear you cry closes the door on the hurt.” I feel like I’ve been hurt on so many levels, though, that I may never run out of tears. But of course I’m in a lot of pain and am being dramatic, and I’ll live. I’m sure I’ll live.

I had lunch with Dave H. and Shawn today. I miss working with them, but I’m in a much happier place.

I’m wearing my plaid Chuck Taylor All Stars to work tomorrow. My job rocks.