I’m sad today. It’s Friday and it’s sunny and I should totally be happy, but I’m not.

I move in eight days. Not only is moving a giant pain in the arse, but it’s sad. I’ve lived in the same place for the past two years with my little family (me, Shel, Charlotte, Charlie and Henry). I know my neighbors. I’m comfortable with my surroundings (except when I have to sleep at home alone!). I love the location. Now I’ve gotta pick up and leave all of it behind. Also, when Shel and I moved into that apartment, I think it’s fair to say that we had high hopes for the future. Normally when people move in together, they’re moving towards something. And it’s really heartbreaking that things didn’t work out.


Now, to put things into perspective, the second reason for my gloom… Mr. Kohler, my neighbor in Pittsburgh, wasn’t expected to make it through the night. As I’m sitting here typing this, I don’t know if he’s still alive. To be honest, I don’t know in which religion I would classify myself. I’m Catholic but don’t know about the whole “Jesus is the son of God” thing. So, that would make me non-Christian, but how can I not be Christian and still be Catholic? I’m just plain old confused, I guess. Anyway. Despite my confusion, I chose to believe that there’s a higher being (God) and he has a plan for everyone. Things don’t just happen at random, they happen for a reason. In this instance, however, I have no idea why they’re happening. I’m so lucky that, after 26 years of life, I’ve really only lost two people close to me: my grandma and Aunt Natalie. But those two people were super close to me, and they were strong and funny and sweet and nurturing. They were the two women closest to me besides my mother. And they’re not here anymore. Meanwhile I’m related to some pretty miserable people, and I know plenty more, and they’re still alive and kicking. I guess I just don’t understand the rhyme and reason to it all, and maybe I’m not supposed to. Mr. Kohler is another one who can be described by a million positive adjectives and who is dying too soon. Since my mother called me yesterday evening, my thoughts haven’t strayed far from the Kohler family. Especially John. We’re close to the same age and I can’t even imagine losing my father right now.

Yuk again.

Ok, so enough w/ the depressing stuff.

My new motherboard for my laptop came in the mail and in exchange for replacing it, I offered to make Shel dinner. Spaghetti! It’s easy to make and he likes it, so it was a win-win. Anyway. I made the rigatoni noodles and once they were finished, I grabbed the new bottle of sauce from the cabinet, opened it, and was greeted by green mold floating around the top. I checked the expiration date, which was 9/2006, and was dumbfounded. I figured “whatever”, threw it away, and told Shel that there would be no dinner. Shel was like, “Dude, there’s a whole bottle of sauce in the cabinet. I just used it the other week to dip my breadsticks.” So, turns out the genius that is Shel used the sauce and then, not knowing any better, put the bottle back in the cabinet rather than the fridge. Hence the mold. Oh well… I got a free trip to IHOP out of the whole deal, so I was a happy camper!

I need to write a letter to Gregory. I’m a day overdue. I wrote him a letter on Friday night, but I haven’t written one since. I generally write on Tuesday, and he receives on Friday. It’s our little pattern. And recently, he’s been writing to me on Tuesday, too, so we’re both letter-recipients on Fridays. I love writing to him. I feel like we’re getting reacquainted. I tell him my boy problems. He tells me his girl problems. I send him sports articles and he details the hell of basic training. He graduates in May, but will be in South Carolina until Mid-July, and we already have plans to spend bunches of weekends together. He’s going to introduce me to his Army buddies (score – gotta love a man in uniform) and I forget what else he has planned for me. The thought of him being 3.5 hours from me makes me SO happy. So, so happy.

Speaking of family, check out the cute picture below. It’s of Jason, Laurie, my Uncle Mike, Uncle Nick, my dad and Grandpap on the Chesapeake Bay. Every year the K. men go on a fishing jaunt to Jason’s. This year Laurie took Gregory’s place. I don’t know where Nicholas was. He’s my Uncle Nick’s son. He’s MIA from the pictures, so I’m assuming he didn’t go this year. Weird. Oh well. Cute picture, huh?

I move next Saturday. Wow. I can’t believe how quickly May 6th has crept up on me. I’m such a mixed bag of emotions about the whole thing. I have no regrets and I don’t doubt that I’m doing the right thing, but it’s sad and hard. I’m sad because I’m going to miss Shel very, very much. And I’m nervous because although John promises to marry me, I may end up by myself. I’m so horrible w/ the whole guy thing. One of two things ends up happening: I like someone so much that I can’t put myself on the line, so I act like I don’t like them in an effort to protect myself. OR! I fall for someone who is unavailable (gay, in a relationship – maybe both!). I’m just a disaster. God only knows how all of the pieces came together for Shel and I!

Ugh. Depressing. Time to write Gregory’s letter…

So, Ben Folds. Sigh. Oh how I love him. I forgot to write about my concert experience in here. Actually, I haven’t written about much of anything in here.

So, Thursday the 30th I got to see my man Ben play in Raleigh, and he put on a hell of a show. It was kind of awkward because there were seats in the auditorium and people didn’t know whether to sit or stand. I did both, and I was one of the few shaking my bootie. Shel just kind of laughed at me. Ben played some of my favorites: Not the Same, One Angry Dwarf, Brick, Lullaby, Narcolepsy….

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum…. Annie waits for the last time…. Just the same as the last time….

Last week was fun and weird and hectic and sad. I found a new apartment. I’m paying more for it than I had intended, but I really like it. It’s in a newish complex, in an area that’s close to both jobs, and it’s got a cute layout. I feel comfortable there, and that’s pretty important. I figure if I’m going to splurge on anything, it ought to be the place I live, right? But actually going out to look was heartbreaking. Ugh. I don’t even want to type about it.

I had coffee w/ Kate and it was nice to get some girlie time in. We haven’t been able to do that for a long time because of conflicting schedules and other stuff. But I’ll be sleeping at her place at least twice next week, so I’m sure we’ll get to catch up on even more stuff.

I took a tango lesson! I sucked and my partner sucked, but I adore him (my partner) so it was a lot of fun. I don’t remember the last time I laughed so much. I doubt I’ll be going back to take another lesson, but now I’ll at least have a story to tell!

On Friday morning I left for Pittsburgh. I really, really, REALLY needed to go home. Like I’ve said before, I’m like a nerdy little battery walking around and Pittsburgh is my charger. I went home and was surrounded by people who love me unconditionally, which is so wonderful there are no words.

(I just got an email back from someone at work and I hate that I have to be professional because she put smiley faces in it and I wanted to respond w/ smiley faces, but I can’t. Bummer.)

So, yeah, Pittsburgh. I had a great time. I got to feel Kristen’s baby kick and hang out w/ my family and see my friends and neighbors. Lovely, lovely, lovely. I cry every time I leave. I’m going to see my parents and Gregory in a month – I know this for a fact – and I still cry. I’m going to see Jason in less than two months, and I cry. I’m oh so pathetic. I don’t know. There’s something about going home that changes my whole outlook on things.

I opened a Dove chocolate candy and the inside wrapper says, “Temptation is fun… giving in is even better.” Hmmmmm………