I’m dead tired. I had to force myself out of bed this morning because sleeping my day away isn’t what I want to do. My weekend has revolved around football. I went to Charlotte to see the Steelers play on Friday, which turned out to be the trip from Hell. Shel and I fought, what should have been a 2 hour trip turned into a 4.5 hour trip, it stormed terribly – blah, blah, blah! The Steelers lost to top it off! Yesterday, despite their good effort, I watched the Mountaineers lose to Wisconsin on ESPN. And I spent the next 7 hours at Carter-Finley Stadium watching NC State beat Western Carolina. I got to go out on the field before the game started because I graduated (haha) from the Chuck Amato Football Camp for Women. It was a very cool experience. I was on the jumbo-tron! HA! Oh yeah, at kickoff the temp was 91…

The only think I know for certain I’m doing today is mailing a cell phone to my mum and cleaning Charlotte’s litter box. Exciting stuff, huh?


I’m procrastinating. I don’t want to go to the gym, but I’m tired of being pudgy, so going to the gym is a necessity. BLAH. I have to go soon because I need to pick Shel up in less than two hours. I’m playing school bus today – I dropped him off on campus at 7:30 and I’ll be picking him up as well. Parking’s expensive and he asked me because, to be honest, what else do I have to do??

I AM SO CONFUSED ABOUT MY LIFE!!!

Going onto a college campus in the midst of classes made me miss academia so much. I was naive and thought growing up would be easy. I thought I’d follow some particular pathway through life and I thought the path would be clear, straight, level and easy. Instead I feel like I’m hiking randomly through a forest on a terribly high mountain.

Time to go to the gym.


Well there’s a light in your eye that keeps shining
Like a star that can’t wait for the night
I hate to think I’ve been blinded baby
Why can’t I see you tonight?

And the warmth of your smile starts a-burnin’
And the thrill of your touch gives me fright
And I’m shaking so much, really yearning
Why don’t you show up, make it all right?
Yeah, it’s all right.

And if you promised you’d love so completely
And you said you would always be true
You swore that you would never leave me, baby:
What ever happened to you?

And you thought it was only in movies
As you wish all your dreams would come true
It ain’t the first time believe me, baby
I’m standin here feeling blue
Yeah I’m blue

Now I will stand in the rain on the corner
I’ll watch the people go shuffling downtown
Another ten minutes no longer
And then I’m turning around

The clock on the wall’s moving slower
My heart it sinks to the ground
And the storm that I thought would blow over
Clouds the light of the love that I found

Now my body is starting to quiver
And the palms of my hands getting wet
I’ve got no reason to doubt you baby,
It’s all a terrible mess

I’ll run in the rain till I’m breathless
When I’m breathless I’ll run till I drop, hey
The thoughts of a fool’s kind of careless
I’m just a fool waiting on the wrong block, oh yeah
Light of the love that I found…





Earlier today I was running errands for my mom and when I got into her car, I slammed my shin against the bottom of the dashboard and now I have a huge, swollen bruise. It’s so sore that it hurts even when I walk. It sucks.

I had a blast at the Steelers game! It was a much better experience than the last time I was there, because the last time the temp was in the 20′s and it was raining/snowing the whole time. I hate cold weather so badly!! But tonight it was in the mid 80′s w/ a nice breeze coming off of the Ohio. Pittsburgh looks so beautiful at dusk when the sun’s setting and all of the building lights are still shining. I really do love Pittsburgh, I think it’s a fantastic place and I’m very proud to call this place home. But, I don’t want to move back. I feel like I don’t quite belong here any more. My life is in Raleigh.

I’m really tired right now. I’ve been going non-stop since I got home. It’s a good thing, though. The other night I spent a lot of time w/ Dana, baby Jerry (who isn’t a baby any more!) and Cameron. I hadn’t seen them since I moved, which was well over a year ago. I was stunned that Jerry remembered me. But he did and jumped right into my arms when he saw me. He’s such a sweet little thing. I spent some quality time w/ Gregory today. I feel like I hardly know him any more, which makes me sad. We don’t talk much because he’s never around. Like, he’s never, ever at my parents’ house. He’s been here for maybe three hours since I’ve been home. He even sleeps at his girlfriend’s. I’ll be spending tomorrow afternoon w/ my grandma. At least we’ll be at IKEA, so it’ll be tolerable. Barely! Ha. After we get back, my mom and I are going to dinner at Chi-Chi’s so I can get some fried ice cream. They really need a Chi-Chi’s in Raleigh. On the Border’s a good mexican place, but they have no fried ice cream.

I feel better than I have in a long time. I completely fell apart. I lost all faith in myself and in the world around me. Shel and Laura tried to pick me up and put me back together, but I needed to get away from my life for a while in order to do it myself. Since I’ve been home I’ve been immersed in my family and in my past, which is incredibly comforting. I needed this so badly. We’ll see what happens when I get back to Raleigh, though. Hopefully I’ll be able to maintain a positive outlook on things and not get too depressed. I’m a little nervous about going back to Raleigh, actually. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Shel, although he doesn’t always say the right thing, means well, and I appreciate it so much. There’s never a point when I’m w/ him when I don’t know how much he loves me, and that love kinda buoyies me up. Laura’s friendship has surprised me – I never expected she and I to become close, but I’m so glad we did because she’s a terrific person. Marty’s really losing out by not realizing how special she is.

Onto happier news! I get to see my Jason on Saturday!! I’m so excited! Since he’s jointed the Sprint family we talk a whole lot more than we used to, so it’ll be great to SEE him and talk to him at the same time!

Ok, my eyes are going funny because I’m so tired. I should have gone to bed like an hour ago. Oh well…