My apartment is thoroughly disgusting. I haven’t had time to clean it in over a week. Ok, what you consider thoroughly disgusting and what I consider thoroughly disgusting are probably two different things because, you see, I am a neat freak. So, my apartment’s messy and it’s driving me absolutely crazy. I can’t walk around w/o thinking, “this needs to be put away” or “I need to sweep the floor” or something to that effect. Maybe I should hire a maid. It would be nice, but I can’t afford one. Nor do I need one. It would just be nice to have. I could be like, “Loupe, I’m heading off to work, please have my apartment spotless, Charlotte brushed and dinner prepared by 5:30.” And then I’d come home to an immaculate apartment, a soft Charlotte and filet mignon w/ asparagus in hollandaise sauce, garlic mashed potatoes and ceasar salad! Hehe.
Back to reality.
I’m at work and I’m to the point that I’m almost wishing I’d get fired so I wouldn’t have to be here any more. Isn’t that terrible? I’d quit, but then I wouldn’t be able to collect unemployment. Unfortunately I have bills to pay so I’m going to look for a job as hard as I know how and work lots of over-time to be able to put money away. I feel myself slipping more and more into a state of depression. I have a fantastic boyfriend w/ whom I’m head over heels in love, a great little apartment, a loving and supportive family and a sweet little kitten, but stresses about my job are consuming me. I’m under an incredible amount of pressure at work, more so than I can possibly say, and I feel like my little shoulders can’t hold it up anymore. I’m getting lazy, sleeping all the time, I have no desire to be physically active. I’m just lethargic in general. Unfortunately family circumstances have forced me to become familiar w/ depression and its signs, so I know them well and I’m recognizing them in myself. I almost think it would be better for my well-being if I just quit my job, but, again, I have bills and financial responsibilities that I couldn’t possibly meet if I didn’t have this job. My biggest fear right now is losing Shel. He’s literally my sunshine – he brightens my day beyond words. I’m afraid that if I don’t cheer up soon, he’s going to get sick of me and not want to be w/ me any more. He’s given no indication of this, mind you, but it’s a fear that I have.
I feel like the position I’m in is my own fault. I got complacent. I knew I didn’t like my job from day one, but instead of look for a new one, I just stuck around, thinking things would get better. I thought I could stick it out because graduate school would be paid for, but then I started to realize that this job just isn’t worth it. By that point I had started working 50+ hours a week, having more demands and responsibilities placed on me and was given a work load that simply isn’t manageable by just one person. I left Pittsburgh for the same reason; complacency. I did not want to get stuck in a city where I didn’t want to live. So I took a chance and left as soon as I thought I could. Why didn’t I do that w/ this job?? I knew there was no mobility, I knew I was doing nothing that would enable me to use my degree, so why in the hell did I stay here?
Because of my warped state of mind, I feel like I’m never going to find another job. I’m sending out resume after resume and I have no idea when I’ll hear something back. It’ll probably take a couple of months at the very earliest and that’s a daunting length of time. The economy’s in bad shape and I don’t have the experience necessary to compete for jobs in my field. I’m just frustrated. I’m utterly frustrated.